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stillflightWhen I was a teenager, I was less insecure about how often I seem to "change my mind" about who I am as a person. I knew it was who I was; it was in my nature to change, and it was my only nature. I told myself one thing, not really as a promise or reassurance, more like a conclusion, an understanding: The only thing that will ever stay the same about me is that I will always change.
I think I forgot this too much recently. I went looking for one tangible weighty answer, my perfect self which would never change and would always be that thing I could draw a business card of and present to anyone who asked, synoptic. Here is my favorite song and my favorite band. Here is my favorite movie and book. Here is my gender. My species. My sexuality. My whole life on a card. And it will be this forever, until I die, so feel comfortable getting used to it. I've finally found it. I've ordered a bulk order of these cards so I hope this is the one! Otherwise I'll have to spend another $100.
I NEED TO STOP BUYING THESE CUSTOM CARDS.
Because I think teenage Cyril was right. Hell, even just the name is proof of it. I've changed it legally now, but how can I be so certain this will be my name for the rest of my life? I thought that about Cyan. And Jayce. I thought it about my deadname. I live in Iowa now, but god knows I won't forever. I wear these clothes now, listen to this music, play this kind of video game, but why do I need to hold myself to that forever just because I like it now? I am a bisexual binary male musteloid, right now, but three years ago I was a nonbinary gay fox, and this was something I knew so certainly I didn't expect to ever need to come to terms with any updates. Who do I think I am to say, well actually, that was simply wrong, I was incorrect, mistaken, I was just confused, and if I had actually thought about it (and knew what I now know), I would have immediately come to the right conclusion. This is the right conclusion, what I am now, which I will always be, because it feels right now so we're good, set up the plaque and start carving.
But that's just misrepresenting history. It felt right then too. To say "ohh I always felt a little off" is a complete fabrication. I know I'm a man. I knew I was nonbinary. I am a wanderer in all ontological forms. I wander geographically and I wander metaphysically. I will never stay the same. It's not who I am. I would say that's the only thing I'll ever know about myself, but it's kind of the opposite. I know who I am. Tomorrow's knowledge may just not reflect today's knowledge.
And I will always hold that quote close to my heart. “As you experience all of the Universe’s things, each thing also experiences you. Things leave their mark on you as you leave your mark on things, and somewhere inside you is an impression of everything you’ve been.” Hence the Everything icon.
I think I forgot this too much recently. I went looking for one tangible weighty answer, my perfect self which would never change and would always be that thing I could draw a business card of and present to anyone who asked, synoptic. Here is my favorite song and my favorite band. Here is my favorite movie and book. Here is my gender. My species. My sexuality. My whole life on a card. And it will be this forever, until I die, so feel comfortable getting used to it. I've finally found it. I've ordered a bulk order of these cards so I hope this is the one! Otherwise I'll have to spend another $100.
I NEED TO STOP BUYING THESE CUSTOM CARDS.
Because I think teenage Cyril was right. Hell, even just the name is proof of it. I've changed it legally now, but how can I be so certain this will be my name for the rest of my life? I thought that about Cyan. And Jayce. I thought it about my deadname. I live in Iowa now, but god knows I won't forever. I wear these clothes now, listen to this music, play this kind of video game, but why do I need to hold myself to that forever just because I like it now? I am a bisexual binary male musteloid, right now, but three years ago I was a nonbinary gay fox, and this was something I knew so certainly I didn't expect to ever need to come to terms with any updates. Who do I think I am to say, well actually, that was simply wrong, I was incorrect, mistaken, I was just confused, and if I had actually thought about it (and knew what I now know), I would have immediately come to the right conclusion. This is the right conclusion, what I am now, which I will always be, because it feels right now so we're good, set up the plaque and start carving.
But that's just misrepresenting history. It felt right then too. To say "ohh I always felt a little off" is a complete fabrication. I know I'm a man. I knew I was nonbinary. I am a wanderer in all ontological forms. I wander geographically and I wander metaphysically. I will never stay the same. It's not who I am. I would say that's the only thing I'll ever know about myself, but it's kind of the opposite. I know who I am. Tomorrow's knowledge may just not reflect today's knowledge.
And I will always hold that quote close to my heart. “As you experience all of the Universe’s things, each thing also experiences you. Things leave their mark on you as you leave your mark on things, and somewhere inside you is an impression of everything you’ve been.” Hence the Everything icon.
